The Talk: Not the One You’re Thinking of
Arielle Sheftall, Ph.D., Nationwide Children’s Hospital
Having a conversation with youth about mental health and suicide can be extremely difficult. However, research has shown that talking or asking about suicide does not put the thoughts of suicide in a child’s mind nor lead to suicidal behavior. This is a discrepancy that many parents/caregivers don’t know and should be addressed. Talking about mental health and suicidal behavior can decrease stigma associated with these issues and can open the door to great communication around these topics.
How do I start?
As a parent/caregiver, you know your child better than anyone else! Some kids may not understand what mental health is, so bringing the discussion to their level is crucial so that the facts can be understood.
Younger children:
With preschoolers or kindergarteners, talking about their thoughts, emotions, or behaviors is a great place to start. Getting a clear understanding of how they view emotions and how they cope with emotions is a great way to initiate communication about mental health and suicide.
Examples of conversation starters:
What are some things that make you feel happy?
Do you ever get sad or lonely? What do you do to make yourself feel better?
Are there certain things that make you feel sad or lonely?
If you ever feel sad or lonely, please know you can always talk to me.
Discussing different coping skills, such as coloring, reading, talking, etc., can give children more ideas of what to do when they feel sad or down. Also, these conversations can lead to kids feeling safe to discuss emotions with you and set the foundation for future hard-to-have conversations.
Older kids:
For older youth, gauging their understanding of mental health and suicide will determine where the conversations can and should go. Unfortunately, there may be information that needs to be corrected due to information from less knowledgeable sources. However, being open and honest with youth is important. If you don’t know the answer, it is OK to state that and look it up on reliable websites together to get the answers. This will show youth it’s ok to not know it all. For older youth, having conservations that are straight to the point can be helpful. Suggestions include:
Do you or your friends ever talk about hurting yourselves or not wanting to live anymore?
If you knew someone who was talking about hurting themselves or ending their life, would you feel comfortable telling me or a trusted adult?
Sometimes kids feel sad and upset and it can get so bad that they want to hurt themselves. Have you ever felt like that?
Symptoms of depression and suicidal behavior
Educating your child on the symptoms of depression and suicide can help them notice if a friend or themselves may need help. These symptoms include:
Feeling down or hopeless
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Major sleep, eating, or activity changes
Stopping normal activities (e.g., sports, extracurricular activities)
Giving away possessions
Making comments about “wishing they were dead” or that they are a “burden” to others
Writing about suicide, drawing about suicide, discussion of suicide online or in-person
Looking for the means to kill oneself or discussing a plan for suicide
These are extremely difficult conversations to have. Remember that starting early and discussing emotions with youth can ultimately save a child’s life.
If your child is having suicidal thoughts, take him/her to your local emergency room immediately or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Do not leave your child alone until you see a mental health professional. Let them know you will get through this together. Every disclosure, whether the 1st or the 15th, should be taken seriously.
For more resources, please visit the following websites:
